The Path Winds You to another Link

I think this is my last post on this blog. It became too bitchy and pointless. I've begun a new blog http://5percentmagic.blogspot.com/

Thanks for reading!

hmmmm

Weird as it sounds, I'd almost prefer to have my 20s be stable and every other decade adventurous. Oooh a rebellious adventuring 20-something! Gasp. Shock. How original. What? You work at a coffee shop and you're in a band!!! Good god, get this boy's autograph!

Harumph.

Here's what I want from my 20s: graduate from college, actually build that habit of working out instead of just starving myself on ramen to fit into my jeans, build a kick-ass resume that will be beautiful to walk away from, learn, enjoy hanging out with friends because in five years they'll be changing diapers.

That's when I want to get out, when my friends are choosing homes based on the school system and minivans are hip. When I have the degree, the apartment, the resume and the job. Then "throwing it all away" actually has some meaning. What point am I making if I leave it all now? I have nothing to leave. Of course I would work a shitty job in a faraway country--shitty jobs are all that's available anywhere to a college drop out. But if I leave fifty grand plus benefits to teach in Africa, someone might notice. And then my mission is recognized: that I'm doing this because I want to contribute and become a deeper citizen of the world.

Maybe I won't be able to walk away from leases and bills and insurance and AC. Maybe I will become so entrenched in society and tradition that only my diary will remember how to dream. Maybe.

But that's why we admire those who give it up, isn't it? Because it is hard. Because it is a sacrifice. Maybe that's what being a bland 20-something is about--the sacrifice to bring me to where I'm meant to be. Maybe the bondage of society begins at a coffee shop.

Imagine

I've always had an image of who I would be "when I grew up."

Actually, I've had two images. One was a tan, strong, independent world-traveler (except I'd only really traveled to Costa Rica, where I lived, and similar countries around there that I'd visited during a one year sailboat trip).

The other person has a good job, maybe nothing career counselors advise National Merit students to pursue, but it pays the bills and I like the work. I live in a downtown loft and, of course, I dress well. I bar-hop but still attend the opera. The best of both worlds, I suppose.

These visions of my bright future have alternately, though vaguely guided my path. But now I feel like I'm standing between the two, and whichever path I pick, I must be prepared to forever leave the other.

Except, I don't know which one I want. Maybe I can have both, at different times of my life, but which do I want now?

I'd like to never "do it right" again. I'd like to follow what I know is true, and follow the course I envision. But damn it all, I'm weak like everyone else. I'm afraid of the unknown too. I wonder if I could really make it as an individual.

So I'll dress like the magazine. I'll drive a car that maintains my "image". I'll pursue that dream degree and career--you know, one that pays a lot.

Fuck you.

Hell

The road to hell is paved with good intentions, they say. And yet, for some reason we keep seeking and following what we perceive as "good intentions." This or that is right, we convince ourselves, and this or that is wrong, thus caging ourselves in orderly boxes of morality. And the boxes are safe, and pretty, and we chatter in naive bliss with other like-caged minds about how right we are, comfortable and righteous.

But our quest for heaven has created hell. It's not the road that's paved with good intentions, hell is the good intentions. Every orderly chain of morality, of habit, of rhetoric or tradition is hell. Prison of your mind, prison of evolution and personal growth.

So do what's right, do what's approved. Do what the books say and the street evangelists and the protesters and the activists.

Prevent yourself from discovery. Prevent learning a new method or idea. Destroy progress or individuality. It is harder to find your own way. It is harder to go against the grain. Maybe some people really can't forge their own path.

But you do what's "right".

Enjoy hell.

On Emily Post

Weddings are strange. The more I google and read about wedding traditions, the happier I am breaking those traditions. "This is YOUR day! Make it unique!" happily proclaims the 400-page wedding planning book before detailing every must-have tradition. Ugh. I sent a nice invitation, but I used labels instead of fancy cursive and send a favorite photo instead of a posed engagement picture. I'm wearing a white dress but I have no idea what my maids are wearing, only that it's knee-length and some shade of purple. Decorations? No idea. Honeymoon? No clue either. Registry? NONE. No way I'm taking tons of stuff from MI to VA and then again from VA to NM. Ugh. A gift card will be fabulous, thank you.

I alternate between loving the plans and hating them. It's so difficult to plan a pretty wedding while keeping it non-weddingish. Coordinating maids, bouquets, decorations, and cake? No. Guests of the bride on one side, of the groom on the other. No. Sit wherever you want, please. I want to keep this a celebration, not a ceremony. I'm sure Emily Post or some version of her has helped many brides, but I don't really care what rules and traditions I'm breaking. I'll make this beautiful, but I really do want it to be our unique day.

just cuz i like this quote.....

"If you love wealth more than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, depart from us in peace. We ask not your counsel nor you arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains rest lightly upon you and may posterity forget that you were our countrymen."

Samuel Adams, (1722-1803)